I can honestly say that I love you. I love you and you say you love me. Sometimes I find myself asking this questions ” Do I really know what love is?”. I mean I think I have only been in love once and when we broke up I was heart broken. My heart ached for almost a whole year and I couldn’t understand why we didn’t work out. A few years later I realized that he wasn’t the one for me.
I saw myself with someone else. I saw myself with you. Loving God,building a relationship, getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, starting a family, and growing old together. Our relationship isn’t perfect and I feel like every time we try to sail off in the sunset there is always a storm. The gray stormy clouds start moving over the horizon and the rain starts to pour down. The waves of the sea is rough and we can’t help but to just go back to shore and wait for the storm to pass.
As the storm is passing I am wondering will there always be a storm. Are we ever going to be able to sail off into the sunset and have our happy moments. You say you love me but there are times that I just think that you love the idea of me. You love my drive, ambition, my purpose, and my personality. You see a beautiful woman who won’t stop until she gets what she wants in life. A God fearing woman who will pray for you even when you didn’t ask for prayer. A woman who knows she’s not perfect but tries her best to show you that she cares. Someone that will fight for you and love you all of you even when you doubt yourself.
I have poured my heart out to you so many times but I feel like I am just talking to a wall. I know someone is on the other side of that phone but your words just don’t seem to reach me. You say you love me but words are just words. I keep telling you that I miss the old you and the old us. The two people that would talk everyday because we were just starting to get to know each other. At this moment in time I feel like I don’t know you any more. I feel like you aren’t the person that would make my face light up by just seeing your name pop up on my phone.
For the past 2 weeks I have been praying to God to send me a sign. To tell me if I should keep fighting or just move on. I tried to fast from you but that didn’t work. You texted me saying ” That it’s been hard without me”. I figured that the fast is working since we aren’t communicating but when we broke the number one rule things went back to just the way they were before.
I woke up this morning and wondered if that was my sign from God. You can’t do without me when you don’t have me but when you do I start to question if you really love me. Today was suppose to be the end of the fast. I have been praying, making list, and writing things down. I wonder if I should tell you or just let it go. Should we try to fast for another week or is this it?
You know they say that the sequel is never better than the original. Part II may or may not happen but thats not up to me to decide. I am just going to leave everything in Gods hands. I love you and you say you love me. I wish I could write I love you and I know you love me. I know it’s hard that I question our love but our love is suppose to be real love.
Maybe you will read this blog post and maybe you won’t. I am debating on weather or not I should send it to you or just let it float around the internet.